What is strength?

I was teased pretty mercilessly as a child. It didn't take very long to figure out that if people didn't get an emotional response from you that they didn't tend to pick on you as much. I learned not to cry, not to show emotion of any kind in large quantities and this not only gave me the power of control but denied them the power of controlling me. This is a quality that I began to look at as a strength. I have worked to teach my children this same "quality". I reward them for times when they stuff their emotions and don't allow others see their pain and banish them to their room if they are crying until they can pull it together. It has come to my attention that this is actually not strength. It is a lonely road that leads to a broken person.

My youngest daughter is the happiest, sweetest little ray of sunshine on the planet and because of that I have never respected her. As I fervently tried to teach her to be as unfeeling as I am she has repeatedly looked me in the eye and told me she loves me and continued on in her loving way to reach out and connect with anyone and everyone without hesitation. I was wrong. Not showing my feelings didn't actually stop me from feeling them. The pain was not decreased by denying it... only deepened by my suffering alone. I pray it is not too late. I want to turn it around. She has been so strong to stand up in the face of all my opposition (bullying... if I'm being honest) and continue to care. True strength is being willing to be vulnerable. The ability to walk away unchanged, uncaring with only your control to keep you warm at night is weakness. I will have to learn strength from my little girl. I am confident it is not the only thing she can teach me... just the beginning.

Hope...

Oh, ya'll are in for a deep one today... one year ago, I was in the darkest depression of my life. I honestly felt that God had let me go. Having grown up in a Christian home and with a relationship with God very early I have never really been able to understand the haunting questions that non believers struggle with... until this. Looking back at the road I have traveled this last year I can honestly say I am so grateful for every minute. Yup, you read that right. I am so thankful that God let me go through a season where as much as I adore my husband and love my children, the fact that I could no longer feel God in my life left me hopeless. I could only see my flaws. Nothing seemed to have purpose. What was I here for? What is the point of all this? Is this really all there is? I considered ending my life. It seemed to me that I was only bringing people down. My children needed a better mother. Ben deserved a better wife.

God didn't let me go. He allowed me to go through this to realize that I had it all backwards. I saw Him as the icing on the cake of life. Something to sweeten the wonderful life I was busy living with family and friends. The truth is that without Him nothing else was sweet, it was exhausting. If this was all there is... they weren't enough to make me want to do it. He is what makes my life sweet. He is my hope. Without Jesus... my life was empty, unfulfilled and without hope. Without hope... I never would have known what that simple, complicated phrase meant if he had not allowed me to really feel it. I needed to know what it felt like to not feel Him there with me to know how much of a difference He makes in my life every day. It makes me want to scream from the mountain tops to all my friends that don't know what hope, true hope feels like! It doesn't have to be this way! There is so much more! He is not a joy stealer... He is a joy giver!

This experience as revived my faith. I still struggle. There are still good days and very hard days. The laundry still piles up. The toilet still needs scrubbing. Some friends stay and some leave. At the end of the day I am still emotionally and physically exhausted but I know what I am here for. I know this is not all there is. I have hope. Sweet, precious, priceless hope for tomorrow.

This ones for the girls...

For those of you who have known me awhile now... you are probably aware that for most of my life I detested women. At one point I actually taught workshops on how to become a recovering women hater... "How to Make the Transition from Competition to Companionship" It has been awhile since I really took stock of my chick friends and thought about where they fit in my life now and how that could change in the future. I have grouped them together to help me sort. I have to sort them by position to me as I have friends from all walks of life, personality, economic level, style and profession. It never ceases to amaze me what God was able to do in my life and my heart where women are concerned.

We'll start with my peeps. These are the chicks that wave when they see me, laugh at my jokes, remember to invite me to girly events and generally don't pretend not to see me when we meet in public. Thank you for your contribution to my existence and I sincerely hope to see some of you break out into a higher level group over the next year!

Now we move on to my circle. You are the women that I chit chat with, table talk at Bible study with and generally hope to have over or meet for lunch so you can laugh at my jokes and answer my "dare I trust them" questions. This circle sometimes feels like a merry go round to me as the players seem to rotate and I know they are interviewing me as well... and many times I don't make the cut. Thank you for being honest or at least honest enough to reveal your fakeness so we can both move on (depending...) and if you and I don't continue to hang, it's probably my fault not yours (or at least that is what you should tell yourself so you don't get a complex).

Here's where it gets serious... the shell. You are the women that not only like me you protect me. We have completed our interviews and received a stamp of approval from each other to give each other encouragement, advice and you are allowed to laugh at my jokes or occasionally make some about you for my entertainment. You are like the candy coating of my life making it sweet and simultaneously keeping me from melting (which if you have reached this level with me you know that I don't like mushy stuff especially in public and so this is a very important position).

If you are part of my core... you know it. You know it because I have alerted you to the responsibilities that come with it (and the possible consequences of you ever betraying me). You know and understand what I am really made of and why everybody else doesn't. You are no longer required to laugh at my jokes (although you do anyway because you find me hilarious) and you have taken vows to be honest, faithful and the biggie LOYAL. You have a strong belief in truth, justice, and karaoke as well as a healthy fear of me being "really honest with you". To these I give my opinion, my trust, genuine affection (which we don't talk about) and loyalty (and honey, you can't buy that!) I don't need to say anymore to you because I tell you all the time how much you mean to me.

As for the men in my life... don't you feel better just reading this? Due to an accident of gender you just naturally fall into my life under the "innocent until proven guilty" clause! Some guys have all the luck! LOL

It's my blog...

I am in a funk so that, "you never know what you're gonna get" thing, you all say you like about me is about to be put to the test. So I was recently the lucky recipient of yet another lecture about behavior. This one was short, to the point and not directed solely at me but did contain one of my least favorite phrases. "We must be above reproach in every aspect of our lives"... So, here comes the Amy rant...

All I hear when this phrase comes out is "we must be unapproachable". I know that is so not what the speaker meant in his heart and yet... as always, I wonder what that looks like to people. I am not above reproach in like ANY part of my life. I screw up almost constantly. I am like some long running joke that never looses the comedic timing! I have made a lifestyle of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time in the wrong place to the wrong people. The more pristine someones life looks on the outside the more I swear I can smell melting plastic when they stand in direct sunlight! There is nothing appealing to me about people who act like they have it all together. I just want to say "oh, you have it all together... you're above reproach... you are the continuous picture of holiness... well hurry up and die already because you're done... DING! timer went off.... you're perfect!" (which I realize sounds very uncharitable). Now for my even tempered response...

I understand we are to strive to live out our faith. It just seems to me that the more genuine someone is about their faults and shortcomings the more I feel like I can talk to them. The more open they are about their struggles, the more I realize I am not alone in mine. The problem with attempting to live above reproach is that it can't be done. There will always be someone who sees you, hears you, or is told something about you that they disagree with. The only one who will be surprised by this reproachability is you! I honestly think that this is a severe accident of misinterpretation (wow... I am so thankful for spellcheck right now) of the Bible. I believe it hurts people... I know it has hurt me. Now, finally for my bottom line...

Above Reproach = Unapproachable = Bigger canyon between you and those you are trying to reach! Don't like my math?.... It's my blog! I can say it if I want to... you can have your turn too... just look down and click on the word comment baby!

That man I married...

This is Ben just months before we were married

(and yes, that is a PONYTAIL waving in the wind... LOL)

I know everyone says that you should never marry someone hoping they will change... and yet, from the moment you say "I do", that is all you do... change. I married Ben while still a senior in high school (great story... I should blog it sometime I know) and we could not have been more different if we tried. We are still completely opposite in so many ways and yet, we are completely different people than we were then.

As weird as he was then... I think I would have fallen over if you had been able to show him to me 15 years down life's road. I married a man who regularly wore bowling shoes (that he not so accidently wore home from Kenmore lanes one night) with baggy purple jeans and I now see him leave for work in a Calvin Kline wool gentleman's jacket and a black stetson. In between there have been aprons, business casual and dress shirts with ties. I remember hearing him mumble the Lord's prayer by rote at his parents table before Christmas and Easter dinner and now I listen at the door at night sometimes just to hear him pray with his son that God would lead them each to be mighty men of God, asking for opportunities to spread the gospel! I don't even think I would want to be married to the man he was then now (although I would still date him... LOL)

He's not the only one who has changed either. I have done my share of changing too (which is why I now own a wardrobe that spans 10 sizes). I used to be loud, obnoxious and one never knew what might come out of my mouth next... oh wait... ok, so somethings never change! I am very thankful that God has grown us together. We've had our ups and downs to be sure but what fun would the roller coaster of life be without them? I am just happy to be sitting next to my best friend for the ride. Here's to almost 15 years!

Double Dog Dare You...

So... my friend dared me to blog again after the little upset formally known as my last post. Then her husband double dog dared me. I have always had a terrible time turning down a dare (hazard of a competitive spirit) and so... here we go again folks!

I am going to take the easy way out this first time and post our Christmas letter from this year. If you didn't receive a card from us... and most of you didn't... then here is the year in a nutshell. Our economy (money to bill ratio) has not been so hot as of late and so if you didn't get a card in the mail... it most likely wasn't because I don't like you anymore (there is that chance I suppose but for most of you this is not the case) it is just because I am poor (or as one of my friends puts it... I chose to spend my money another way... LOL)

~ Merry Christmas 2009 ~

If you remember, we last left off (nearing Christmas 2008) with the announcement we had moved to the community of Elk Washington. We moved up just in time for the hardest winter in a half century. It wasn't long before we realized that they make four wheel drive vehicles for a reason! After the first , of what would become many rescues by our wonderful neighbor, (Ryan, we could not have done it without you) we traded in our trendy city cars for something a little more country friendly. Christmas morning we awoke to a river of snow sliding off our roof, that literally wiped out the deck railing... that is when we learned what a roof rake is... oops! The sledding on our driveway was amazing! We parked the cars at the top with the brights on and went all night! Funny thing though... it makes it really hard to drive up after you smooth it down with sleds like that... whole different kind of sledding for Ben trying to go to work and back in the morning!

After the snow melted it was time to get to work... with the help of well, just about anyone we could con into coming up here, we made some major progress. We have cleared the area around the house fairly well now and are deciding what to do with it all. The hen house is now full and producing about ten eggs a day, (now I know why there is a whole section for eggs in the Better Homes and Gardens cook book! ) although we lost poor rooster George to the coyotes. We were going to build one of those super cute chicken coops that look like an old Victorian house... but did you know that chickens absolutely reek? Yup, not putting that sort of work into something that smells that bad. Funny there wasn't a scratch and sniff sticker in the Country Living Magazine article! The eggs are great though, so they're here to stay!

We tried our hand at gardening and got just enough to really know what grows well and how to plant better this year. Amy joined the Elk Homemakers Club and one of the ladies (thanks Miss Evelyn) taught her how to can... AMAZING!!! It's not as hard as we had heard and so, so, so much fun! The greenhouse is in and so with an early start, well planned garden and the new found love of canning... it's official... Amy has her eye on the country fair! The kids are hoping to get a goat for 4H this spring (which ought to go well with the hens, bunny, dog and cat that already call this home... don't get too scared, they are all outdoors except for the dog and that's only at night, no matter how much the kids beg)... oye!

Let's see, that takes us to fall... hunting season! BJ got his first deer this year and Ben has major venison envy! With the help of some good seasoned hunters we all learned the art of skinning (thank you Bert) and butchering (the "Frailey Way" thanks to Richard). We have started to make friends and the folks at Peaceful Valley Church sure have been good to us. The pace of life is much slower here and the people are so kind and full of love for their families and ours. We are so glad we made the leap of faith and followed our dream.

So, just so we're clear... log cabin, hens a laying, homeschooled children, bunny, stray cat (that we feed, so I guess she's ours), guard dog, four wheel drive, cowboy hats, belt buckles and mamma's good shoes are her boots, it's official... The Kaeding Family has GONE COUNTRY!

Yee Haw and a Very Merry Christmas to y'all Love, Ben, Amy, BJ, Raven, Trinity and Jedidiah

(said with deep southern drawl)

Changes

Due to a series of very unfortunate events I will no longer be accepting anonymous comments on my blog. If you are unwilling to own your words... you may keep them to yourself.