Changes

Due to a series of very unfortunate events I will no longer be accepting anonymous comments on my blog. If you are unwilling to own your words... you may keep them to yourself.

It doesn't grow in celephane packages...

My oldest son BJ (13)got his first deer this year. He shot it from his bedroom window on our property in Elk! I am proud to say (although I had to have it explained to me why I should be proud) that he shot it clean, with one shot and less than two inches from the heart. Then things got complicated...

By complicated I mean that gutting a deer in the dark (for the first time) and then hauling it up to the house to hang for 3 days is not as easy as one might think... if one thinks these things through beforehand... which clearly, we didn't! LOL

After 3 days hanging skinless from the tree outside my bedroom window (I spared you these shots... you can thank me later) our friend Rich came over and taught us all a fabulous class on butchering a deer... the "Frailey Way"... which we have been assured is the best way!

That's right folks... on a Costco table... on the deck... LOL

We learned a lot and honestly... it really wasn't that gross... it was kinda fun!

There's my fearless husband (aka Farmer Ben) and Rich... Student and teacher!
The end result?... Ta Da... Meat the way we are all used to seeing it... double wrapped and ready to BBQ!

Fading Family...

These are the McCoy kids. My four brothers and me... I'm the baby. These photos are fading and yellow with years but they have fared better than our relationships. What happened?


At some point all the things that were supposed to hold us together... tore us apart. I look at this photo taken in front of the house I lived in until I married and moved out. Their faces are fading out of the photo but are crisp and clear in my mind. I miss them so much. I miss what could have been and what could still be but... it would take a miracle. Oddly enough the one who lives the farthest away is the one I have the closest relationship with, while the one physically the closest has chosen to no longer speak to me or my parents.


My mother's birthday is this week as well as my daughter's. My father turns 70 this year. So much missed time together. So many memories not made. I wonder how much time they think they have. I wonder what they will do when they realize they can't get it back. How many people will they loose and not think of the ones still here... longing for them. Loving them... I do not understand.


I know so many who no longer have that choice. They can do nothing to have one more Christmas, birthday, day or moment. We have the chance for all... and they slip through the hands like the tears falling from my mothers eyes as she touches their pictures and tries not to let the memories fade.

What if it wasn't true...

I woke up feeling like this (see picture on left) this morning. I met someone yesterday. I say met and yet, what I really mean is... my regular counselor was in over her head with me on some things and recommended that I go see another therapist with more experience with my level of crazy... and I spilled my guts all over the poor women for just shy of three hours. Result?... life change. For the first time I got the chance to be completely honest with someone about what has been going on in my heart and head for all my life, who really got it. She has been there and really, really got it. We dug deep, hashed hard and I came out the other side with truth. I have believed some pretty serious lies for a very long time and they were literally crippling me. In my defence I never checked to see if they were true. I just believed them. How can so many people be wrong?... but they were. I know that now and I am floored. I haven't felt this free... well, EVER! I slept last night. The kind of sleep that perhaps you take for granted. No nightmares. No muscles clenched so tight I feel like I'm made of metal. No fear... did you hear me NO FEAR! A prison with no bars is a prison still and I have been in one for a long time. I am afraid to feel this way. Who am I without all the fear and anxiety? Who am I without all the labels and questions? I don't know. I don't know... but I am going to find out!

If you feel like I am being perhaps a bit vague... I am. A lifetime of lies, pain, secrets, and fear are a bit much to explain in a blog post... go figure... but know this... Jesus is enough, did enough, paid enough... even for me.

Change of season...

Fall is far and away my favorite season of the year. I love to watch the change of color and it always brings a bit of change of heart for me with it. My favorite thing about fall is seeing that even as the leaves are dying, they are filled with new beauty. Even as the plants and the soil prepare to lay barren until spring they are not going silently.
Did you know that the color of the leaves in the fall is their true color? The green we see the rest of the time is the photosynthesis required for growth. It is not until they have reached their full potential and yet before they fly from the life giving tree that their true beauty, that has been there all the while can truly be seen. I know what others see as they look at me on the days when I must do and be all the things I need to, for my family to be successful, and I know that is not all there is to me. God has filled me with passion and joy that can at times be hidden or harder to see... but it is never really gone. In my transparent moments with those close to my heart all that color shines through.

I want my children to understand that they may look just like so many other people on the outside, that at times they may feel plain and unimportant, but they have already been painted by the master into a beautiful vibrant person. Someday that will be obvious to everyone who looks at them... but you have to do a lot of growing to get there and you have to stay connected to the source of all life while you do it. I never thought I would learn such a valuable lesson from Cindy Lauper and yet... if only we can see our true colors shining through.

She's our dog now!...

Our dog beautiful has one of those dishes that you can use a two liter bottle to keep "ever full". We had several friends over this weekend with their dogs and since we rarely have two liter bottles around, one of our friends tried something a little more common around these parts... and it worked! LOL

Well Beautiful... you're our dog now!

Where did that come from...?

The kids are getting ready to start this new partnership school (like the one from before just closer to home) and they have two campuses... so we drove up to check out the second one this morning. Here we are driving by old dilapidated houses and "ghost town" is all I could call the string of three store fronts on the main street and out of NOWHERE... we see this!

Apparently, at some point the state completely refurbished this turn of the century schoolhouse to it's original glory and then like all good government officials... decided they didn't need it so... our school took it!
Above is the mother's room (both campuses have these) where all the moms can hang out with smaller kids. There is a small kitchen and comfy furniture. The woodwork in this building is amazing! You can see how the center of the room is lower because they added lighting. The windows go all the way to the ceiling all around every classroom and the sills are over 6" deep!

Everything is original and as BJ so aptly put it, "It feels like a big warm welcoming house" and it does! This is part of the Library. The walls of the school are filled with framed copies of famous US documents and oil paintings of the presidents.

Not EVERYTHING is original.... as you can see here in the computer lab. LOL

All the doors are really thick solid wood and they are gorgeous!

Around the back they have a fully fenced park for the children. Complete with wrought iron benches and an "old school" slide and swings.

Yes, as you can tell, I loved it.... but the children did too. They are looking forward to meeting new friends and trying out some new classes. All good things...since they start tomorrow!