Ode To Mom...

Dear Mom,

My mom... isn't she cute?

I am so sorry... I didn't know.  You made it look so easy... it's not.  I can honestly say that I have no memory of you missing a single practice, concert, performance or event (unless I didn't tell you about it... cause I was a schmuck like that) in all my years of school.  I remember countless  hours on sidelines and bleachers while you did the same for my four older brothers.  What is amazing is that you didn't stop there, at the public events.  Hours of spelling practice (sadly, that time was truly wasted and I bet you wish you could have it back), mindless drills for History and Science tests (not wasted... I totally use it... ok, I don't but I don't want you to regret everything), and that's to say nothing of the fevers, ear aches, fights with girls (so many, many fights with girls), and breakups with boys (lots of those too because I was irresistible what can I say?).  Every time one of  kids leaves their clothes on the floor I remember the time I told you that "When I move out I am not even going to buy hangers because I will just have a pile of clean and a pile of dirty and you will never come to visit me because I will live in a pigsty!" (gosh, I was the sweetest thing wasn't I?) and I want to go back and backhand my former self for you.  Thank you for  cleaning the bathrooms (I think of you when I do that too... 4 BOYS! Ewe) doing the laundry (that I purposely shoved under the bed),  doing the shopping (even though I never once gave that a thought while bringing home all my friends unannounced after school to the loaded pantry), for sitting in the car for hours everyday (I really had no idea that that wasn't fun... strange), forcing me to go to church (ok, I knew that wasn't fun for you... hehe), teaching me to swim, ride a bike, read, and count.  I know you think when I don't call for a couple days that I have forgotten all about you but the truth is those are the days that I think about you the most... as I cook, clean, drive, read to, discipline,  spout vocabulary, pray with and tuck in.  All the while hoping I make it look half as easy as you did. I love you mom.

Love, Amy

( HA... It's not even Mother's Day! Extra points coming my way! )

"Her children arise and call her blessed, her husband also, and praises her:  Many women do noble things but you surpass them all.  Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a women who fears the Lord is to be praised." Proverbs 31: 28-30

(Triple word score!... now I'm just showing off... LOL)

Drum Roll Please...

This is my 100th post... wow, that's a lot of pressure! I have been staring at the blank box for a bit now (not to mention all the mental plotting ever since I realized the last one was #99) trying to come up with something profound and amazing to increase the files of your cerebral cortex... but the harder I try to be clever the lamer I become.  So let's just get this over with...

I started all this (the blogging I mean) by saying that this would be my diary online and I think I have stuck to that.  I haven't scared you all away yet and to be honest, that surprises me.  Maybe I'm the only one (but I doubt it) that wants desperately to to be loved and liked despite my obvious drawbacks.  It means more to me to know that you are my friend even though you read my blog because here, I am (for better or worse) truly me.  The anonymity of it takes some of the fear out of saying what I think out loud and as a person who just needs to process things sometimes it has been such an amazing outlet.  I have worked very hard to learn to think before I speak (so imagine how bad it was before) and to be gracious and kind when dealing with others (again, just imagine... LOL) and it is nice to have a place to just calls em as I sees em.  So, thank you to all of you who have read what I have to say and not only still put up with me but keep coming back for more.  I know for some of you this is the only way you can watch "The Amy Show" as there are no live tapings near you at this time.  For those of you who appear regularly throughout the episodes these are like watching the directors cut or bonus scenes!  Perhaps some of you are even former cast members that were killed off mid season... but to all the members of my audience I give a rousing Cheers!

(whew... I did it... now I have 99 pressure free posts before I face this again)

So here's the thing...

Here I am... again... late at night in front of the glowing screen thinking "I just want to talk it all out with someone" but there is no one here who wants to talk... well, except for you my little captive and willing audience.  I am struggling.  I have so many dreams, visions and goals (and so little belief in myself) that it is hard.  It seems like each time I find my voice on some situation I am thrust before several different opinions about the same subject very soon after.  How do you cope with feeling like your opinion is correct when others are not? How do you know if you are leading... or leading astray?

This all feels a little... beige and vague.  Let me give an example and perhaps that will help.

I bring you to our little church last week with a visiting pastor (a man I have a history with and know well but perhaps had no idea I was in the room) as he did an amazing job of fire and brimstone (the likes of which I have not seen since I was a child) at our pastor's bequest.  Then I came home to find a poet/prophet on (of all things) Facebook and was forced to look at the contrasts.  One preached shame, guilt and damnation, while one preached forgiveness and redemption despite our obvious unworthiness.  To be honest I am much more comfortable with damnation.  I know full well that I am not worthy.  I know that the one true living God gave all that I might live.  When I hear all the reasons that I am unworthy... they do not surprise me.  In fact, my unworthiness is my second skin.  However,  something happens in my heart and in my head when I hear that I am damned.  There is a pilot light that will not go out.  I feel a hope, that seems to spring eternal in my heart, whisper to me that in my weakness I will find strength and in my failure lies my only hope of success, because I was willing to call out for redemption and a Savior.

I will never be the shining example of how to behave or what to say but let me be an example in this...

Lord God, I was created by you in your image.  I know that my reflection of you is shallow.  I only pray that as you watch that image you can see how much I want to please you.  I want other people to love you more because of how I speak about you.  I want other people to trust you because they have heard the stories of your faithfulness from me.  I may not do chain letters or idle threats about you being ashamed of me because I didn't forward someones junk mail but I do desperately want to thank you and please you. 

JUST STOP.

So a facebook friend posted this the other day as her status:

Cycling is so hard, the suffering is so intense, that it's absolutely cleansing. The pain is so deep and strong that a curtain descends over your brain...once; someone asked me what pleasure I took in riding for so long. "pleasure??? I said" "I don't understand the question." I didn't do it for pleasure I did it for the pain. Lance Armstrong

I took some heat the other day for a statement I made about the obsession and self worship aspect of some people's views about their physical selves especially around January.  I must admit as I read this quote, that the first thing that came to mind was "that is exactly how a cutter describes cutting".  Perhaps it is because I have had the opportunity to work with people who are in Olympic training and have been able to see first hand some of the incredibly unhealthy things that become part of their everyday to win or even just qualify to compete and have also spent time with addicts and people in recovery, that I see so many similarities.  They are both entrenched in compulsive behavior.  It is simply that one is far more socially acceptable and so they are rarely encouraged to stop and are many times held up as an example for others to pattern after.  I believe that my friend posted this as she finds it encouraging and inspiring but to me I just see warning signs and red flags.

Then I was privileged to read a blog post written by a women I have never met but must come from the same cloth from which I was cut as we could be sisters of the heart. This is an excerpt from the letter that she writes to her daughters that was part of that post.

*see below

And so I will sing a song of wonder and beauty about womanhood for you to learn from my lips.

I will lead the resistance of these lies in our home by living out a better truth.

I will not criticize my sisters for how they look or live, casting uncharitable words like stones, because my words of criticism or judgement have a strange way of being more boomerang than missile, swinging around to lodge in your own hearts.

I'll wear a bathing suit and I won't tug on it self-consciously. I will get my hair wet.

I will easily change my clothes in front of your Dad, proud of my stretch marks that gave us a family, of breasts that nourished his babies.

I will prove to you that you can be a size 12 and still be sexier than hell.

I will prove to you that you don't have to be all angles and corners, that there is room for some softness because you all love to hug on my soft bits, burrowing into my arms and my breasts to rest for a while.

I will eat dessert and raise my glass and laugh my way to deeper smile lines.

I will celebrate your own beauty, my tall girls, but I will do my best to praise your mind, your heart, your motives as much as I praise your beauty.

I will not let the words "I'm fat" cross my lips - especially in front of you, my beautiful girls.

I will celebrate beauty where I find it, in a million faces uniquely handcrafted by a generous God with a big tent of glorious womanhood.

I will tell stories of women and surround you with a community of women who are smart and strong, crazy and hot-headed, gentle and kind, women who love and you will see that this is what is beautiful, that a generous love is the most gorgeous thing you could ever put on.
http://www.emergingmummy.com/2011/06/in-which-i-promise-not-to-call-myself.html

 And so I find myself looking for the balance between my own struggles with image and my desire for my children to not share them.  I find that I must curtail my rage toward those who push this crazy obsession before the eyes of my daughters at every turn and fight with the tools I have in the arenas I am given.  I ask you to help me by not posting what you eat for dinner of facebook and calling it "accountability". I ask you to not constantly talk about how you need to loose weight and how fat you feel and please stop using pathetic phrases like "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels".    If you want to give me a compliment in front of my children, compliment me, not my image.  Don't look all excited and say "wow, you look great, have you lost weight?" JUST STOP.

*My daughter and I were selecting photos for  group frame and she said she loved this one "because we look so happy... those are our real smiles" and she didn't think they looked posed enough for the group frame... screw posed.
 

Let the record show...

The year is coming to a close and as I have known myself for.... awhile now... and I know that I will be jumping up to do the "get back to blogging in the new year" thing on the 1st so I thought "why not get started now?"... Ok, that's a lie because what I really thought is I just flipped over the calender to January and there are only 4 days left open so maybe I should do it now while there is a break in the chain... LOL

So, even though you didn't ask for it, here it is A BRAND NEW BLOG POST!!! 

I was inspired by a dear friends Christmas letter this year in which she, who shall remain nameless, (LESLIE DEERING) gave what amounted to a deposition on why she is crazy and I thought... as my fate is sure to be similar to hers I should also be prepared to give an account :) 

So, here goes...  I am home schooling and driving a carpool 3 days a week.  How did that happen? Wasn't homeschooling supposed to keep me home?  We are still able to squeeze all the other subjects into the remaining days though so... no worries.  As it turns out I really can go back and forth between high school, middle, elementary and kindergarten questions at the same time.  I am an Awana leader (ok, and Ben is the commander so there's those meetings too) every Wednesday night, which is one of the days I carpool so I end up gone all day with just enough time to serve and clean up dinner before heading back out for club.  I love going to the Elk Homemakers once a month and writing the article for the local paper about each meeting (hey, it's only once a month, that's not bad... but then book club is only once a month too...) I have cut way back on being on the worship team because now that I teach Sunday school it is too hard most weeks to do both back to back.  My class isn't huge but it's all kindergarten boys (I love boys so I don't mind).  It is for this reason however, that I now HATE markers.  I have had 8 surgeries on my mouth in the last year and spent 14 days in the hospital (none for me myself so they were spent sleeping in a chair... which is a bad idea in case you were wondering) which was really only doable because Ben could be here with the kids as he has been out of work since June.  I was super excited to help put together Elk Days (we had over 300 kids in the first hour!) this year and volunteer for the plant/bake sale last spring.  All my kids had birthday parties and I hosted every holiday of the year (including that BBQ with over 70 guests). My garden did better then ever and I did my first canning this fall all without missing a single day at the county fair for 4H (those meetings are only once a month too) or Dr. well checks or visits to the children's dental village...

I hope this doesn't sound like I am complaining as I am thankful to have a house, clothes and dishes TO clean... it is simply to explain the ever burning question that people keep asking "are you crazy?" YES! Yes, I think I am. At least that is what I am attributing the eye twitch, loss of hair and insomnia to.  I don't have much time to think about it though so I am not completely sure but yes, I think I am.  
Sorry but I have to go as the new puppy needs to be taken outside to go potty... consistency is the key you know!

Did You Just Say That?... Really?

My husband and I were in a local restaurant the other night (a very nice restaurant, that I frequent... frequently) and it was late we were the only customers.  As will sometimes happen, this created an opportunity for the staff to strike up conversation amongst themselves while cleaning up.  We were not talking and so it was that I heard every word of this conversation and am confident that I didn't misunderstand.  There were three girls with zero male input.  I would guess they were in their early to mid 20's. 

Girl #1 said that her boyfriend wanted to get married and that she was not willing as she was confident that he wanted to have children and it was important to him that she stay home.  She said that she would never do that as her time was more important than that and she was too intelligent to waste herself that way. 

Girl #2 said that she wouldn't mind being a stay at home mom but knew that she would have to join some committees and non-profit organizations to keep her mind working as there is no way that she could just sit at home like that watching children like some daycare worker. 

As Girl #3 piped up, you cannot imagine how I hoped that she would be different... but she was not.  She said that she would love to have the freedom of being a stay at home wife but not if there were children involved.  She was working for her degree and had no intention of wasting all that work just to get stuck with the kids while he got to have a fulfilling career and accomplishments.

Oh how I wish it had ended there but it did not.  They then proceeded to talk about how that was a job for women who weren't educated or creative enough to do anything more.  They laughed and joked about how sad it would be to have so little self respect or prospects.  I wish I could say that I stood up and set them straight... but instead I sat there trying not to cry. 

They were saying so many of the things that I feel.  Most days of being a stay at home mom make me feel like my brain is turning into mush.  Picking up the same toys, washing the same dishes, folding the same laundry while my goal is to keep life fun and challenging for everyone else... but me.  I know that what I am doing is important but I don't feel important most of the time.  It was so hard to listen to other women say these things.  I think if it had been men I would have been in their face in 5 seconds flat. 

Why is that?

Who taught them these things?

How do we stop it before my daughters grow up?

Pssst.... Did you hear?

Gossip. I was approached with a question yesterday about what gossip really is. What qualifies as gossip? Being a group discussion I of course heard the tired "talking behind someones back" and "a group of women huddled in a circle after church"... people, people, people, that is not gossip. Talking about other people behind there back is not gossip. It is my hope that if I have talked about you to someone else when you're not there and you two finally meet, it will sound something like "Amy has told me so much about you, I feel like I already know you and love you!". A group of women circled around to talk is called communication and it is vital to the growth and maintenance of relationships.

So what is gossip? Sadly, this one I have had so much experience with that I have the answer down pat. Gossip is talking in a negative way about someone not present, using words and phrases that you would not say to their face. There you have it. Talking about something negative that happened between you and another person is not gossip if you have had the discussion with that other person. In other words, you cannot accuse someone of gossiping about you if they are making you look bad because you did something mean, cruel, catty, or rude and they told someone else about it. Note to self... behave better. On the flip side if you are purposefully telling only negative things about someone or repeating negative things that you have heard, that is gossip. If you have never met... you really shouldn't be saying or hearing anything negative about them period. This is of course why I strongly believe that 90% of all mass media newscasts are gossip. They are simply telling you the ugliest, nastiest things that happened that day involving people you have never met who have no way of telling their side of the story and if you have ever been involved in an event that made the news you can attest to how inaccurately most of it is reported.

The overall point of this memo is this... if you cannot say it to their face... don't say it at all. When you talk about other people keep your words positive and uplifting of their character. People are relational and will (and should) talk, so give them something to talk about (clearly I practice what I preach on this one!) but remember that you are the one deciding what they will have to work with. Do not be afraid to speak the truth but make sure that if it is negative, you are saying it only to people who know the situation and are involved or it is just gossip.

Disclaimer: all of the above statements are made under the assumption that what you are saying is true. If you are lying, it doesn't matter if it is positive or negative... because it's a lie... get it?!

*steps off soap box and poses for photos