Am I Masculine?

There's girls like Trinity and then there's... me

Ok, so I have a new friend. I don't know why but somehow that always starts a weird assessment test in my head. The kids and I were invited over and all my senses were assaulted with femininity. I had no idea you could scream "women live here" quite that loudly with decor alone but trust me... it can be done. I watched as my daughter Trinity's (pictured) little eyes lit up like a Christmas tree and even Raven seemed stunned. The more I looked around the more I could not help but ask... am I masculine? I came home and took a good look around. This is different than when I visit my 'messy disorganized' friends or my 'we make more in a month than you do in a year' friends or even my 'unafraid of color' friends... this made me feel like.... my mom! *GASP

I love my mom but it is not a secret that we refer to her decor as "hospital-esque". In other words, white on white on white with just a touch of almond appliances. I have been relieved to find sufficient evidence that a girl lives in our house too (although admittedly nearly all of said evidence is in my daughter's room) just not in floral form. I have a strong aversion to flowers... because they die and that depresses me. I have however learned to keep a number of indoor plants alive (herbs and fruit bearing so that they qualify as useful not decorative) for color. My walls are not white (but since most of them are log I cannot take a huge amount of creative responsibility there either). It seems to be in the small details that I can see I am indeed feminine... just on a smaller scale. My hair is nearly to my waist so I do get points for that (but only because it's no longer the 80's). As long as I don't look in my closet I feel pretty good about it.

Maybe I should buy a skirt?

Going Gray...

My beloved husband has removed more than one "really blond" hair from my head this year (what a way to ruin a date atmosphere not to mention my mood). I don't know how I feel about this. Ok, I do know how I feel about this and I am obviously upset or I would not be blogging about it. I have always said that I would just go gray gracefully... but that was before it was actually here in front of me. I have always loved long gray hair on women but older women... not... you know cute little youthful me!!! What is a girl to do? For the record I have never dyed or colored my hair (not even for halloween) so it's kind of a big deal to me. Do any of my readers have input on what happens if you already have long hair (mine is at my waist right now) and it starts to go gray? Will I end up with like a gray "hat"? AAAAHHHH!!!! I am so too young for this!

Backpack Full of Ashes

I was part of something called the PPO this year. It stands for Perpetual Prayer Offering and each person (nearly 200 of us) commited to pray for the Beth Moore Conference and the women in our area going to it for one hour a week at the same time for 40 weeks. My hour was 2-3am on Wednesday mornings. We were each given shells to represent our hours and we gathered together the morning before the conference, at the Arena, to place them (over 7,000) in a glass jar and pray over every seat in the building. As I was praying for the women I stopped an prayed for myself. I specifically asked/begged that I "could just hear You (God) say my name and tell me Amy, this is what I want you to do". As prayers like that usually go I moved on and only remembered later... and you won't believe why.

I spent the next four days in Women's Ministry training seminars and then at the conference. During the training I began to realize that I knew what I was supposed to be doing... have known for a long time but having been hurt so many times I was scared to step up and try again. I talked to my pastor's wife minutes before the conference started and told her that I knew what my calling was and that I was willing... but scared. I could never have planned what happend next. Less than an hour into the conference Beth started talking about how everyone who has accepted Christ has been called with a calling. Here's where it gets weird... she stepped up to the edge of the stage and spoke right at the section I was sitting in and said "When you know what your calling is it is like God is saying AMY (she yelled that part) do what I am asking and have equiped you to do". In that moment I remembered my prayer and was blown away. The next day she only repeated three things from the day before... you guessed it, she stepped up to the edge and looked up at the section I was sitting in again (this time on the opposite side of the stadium) and said it again... all of it.


Ok, I get it (for some sweet women a 2X4 is a last resort but with me He just starts there and moves onto structural beams). I have accepted a position at church that although I am scared out of my mind to do... I know it is my calling. I have been carrying a backpack of ashes for a long time now. So much pain, heartache and hurt and I would love to see God turn it into something beautiful. Only He can do that and even then only if I will give it to Him. My heart is to see women connect. We usually do that best in our points of weakness and yet those are the very places we are rarely willing to share. I believe that everything I have been through, the good the bad and the ugly, will not be wasted. He doesn't waste our pain. The backback is off and I will try not to try and pick it back up.... now let's see what He does!

Thank you to all the amazing women in my life who have been praying for me and encouraging me through these last very difficult years. Our pastor said in his sermon this weekend that "God is able to use us many times in the very areas that we have been hurt the most". Many of you have been gently whispering that to me for a long time now and I love you for it.

Pride Cometh After the Fall?

I don't believe in happenstance or coincidence and so when my life takes a turn... I take a good look around and try to see what God is doing. I know that sometimes we never see the reasons behind some of what he does and then there are times like oh, let's say... in my life now... where it is embarrassingly clear. For those of you who don't know (which is sadly probably not many of you), I have a lovely pride problem and a vast array of vices... bad combo? Yes, I fear so.

I honestly had no idea how prideful I was until late last night when I received a very sweet and kind message from a friend. I admit to calling him "a well meaning Christian terrorist" when I first read his message. You see he had the audacity to say that I was way too concerned with how I look and that I basically needed a reality check about my situation. He of course said all this very politely and so me wanting to give him a swift kick was undignified. He is a guy, of course he doesn't notice much difference! Having only known me a short time, he has no idea how I was teased growing up about my looks or how I have had nightmares about breaking my teeth again ever since I did it the first time and especially since finally having them repaired! He doesn't know anything or he would never have said any of that! I mean it made it sound like I have a pride problem... uh oh.

See, here is where it gets ugly. Not my face (well ok that too...) but rather the truth. You see I know better than anyone that I have some things I like to run to when I am hurting, tired, angry, frustrated... and that much of the time, I reach for them long before my Bible. Funny, (well, it would be if you're not me) since my accident, I can't do any of them. I physically can't do any of them. I have been trying to make decisions about my purpose in life and what I will do with my kids, church and relationships and I think I was about to make some of the wrong ones. At the very least I was making them for the wrong reasons.

So, my life took a turn and where am I now? I am alive, so there is still more to do. I cannot talk so I will have to listen. I cannot turn to the things that I usually do to distract and protect myself so I will have to face things head on (although no more large rocks to the face please) and feel the emotions that come with them. I cannot sing, smile, entertain or otherwise "earn" affection. I will have to accept hospitality instead of give it. I will have to admit that pride didn't come after my fall and that even though there were no signs on that wooded trail... I missed one.

I'm So Vain

I am so vain... I didn't know it but I totally am. For those of you who, as yet, are unaware I rolled a quad (four wheel recreational vehicle) while still on it and have sustained some pretty nasty injuries. I know that I am lucky (aka... I still am) but most of my wounds are to my face. I will have to have multiple procedures done over the next year in order to repair what I did to my mouth alone. I of course explained to the Dr. that this was cruel and unusual punishment as I use my smile more than 92% of the people that make up this great big world. It used to be 93% but I have made significant progress in my area alone... I mean just look at the statistics!!! 1% of the earth's population? That's HUGE!!! I of course made this statistic up but I think he got my general point and then he laughed which just PROVED it!!!

I will be wearing long sleeves and long pants as I currently look like a prison tattooed leopard (for those of you not cozy with anyone on the inside, they only use ink from Bic pens to tat each other... so it ends up that weird blue that bruises are). I have been given "bone" injections that will hopefully regrow enough bone for me to get implants put in as I am currently the poster child for the "All I Want For Christmas" song. I now humbly apologize for all the times I have said I was born in the wrong century ( I love the 1500's) because I clearly cannot emotionally handle not being able to smile prettily, talk with excellent diction and sing without a lisp. Thank you God for modern medicine because this little girl of yours has way, way, way more work to do on her ability to feel comfortable minus the cuteness factor.

Don't let me lead you to believe it's all pain and no gain. My lips are swollen to perfection! I have a pout that would shame Angelina Jolie (who am I kidding, she has no shame... but if she did) and all the swelling in the rest of my face has left me with no need for botox! Last but not least... I have had so much work done on my mouth that I have not been able to eat for two days and cannot have solid food for several more days so... totally getting thinner!!! See... told you... SO VAIN.

I don't think I have to explain why there is no picture attached to this post.

Raising Adults

I am raising adults... not children. This statement usually gets me a few raised eyebrows. I see so many people raising children these days and then they wonder why their offspring make such poor adults. I get my share of flack because I allow my kids to say and do things that some find questionable (these being the same people who generally find me questionable so...). I know that my children are real people not puppets. They have real desires, feelings, gifts and challenges. I am not nearly as concerned by what they do or how they do it as I am WHY.

I would much rather that they question someone (even an adult) right here, right now about something if they honestly feel that what the person did was wrong then to stay silent and be polite "good" little children. I love it that they regularly whisper to me "I don't want to know what would happen if we said or did that" after witnessing other people's behavior. Or even better the times they say "thank you for disciplining that out of me" when they see peers still whining, complaining or pouting... I am not kidding.... they have really said that MANY TIMES.

On the flip side, they can be severely punished for "good" behavior if I feel like they did it for the wrong reason. I don't allow placating people who are being poorly behaved. I will make all the allowances in the world for someone who is trying and none for the people who feel entitled to them.

My kids say that I have a 15 minute answer for every 10 second question. That is because although I will occasionally use the "because I said so" it is honestly rare. I want them to think. I want them to understand why. So I take the time to talk through my decisions with them and play out the "what happens in the long run" scenario so that they understand my heart. Even if they don't completely agree with me they don't question it the next time because they know why I am saying yes or no.

Anyone who knew me when knows that I do not tolerate teasing people in any fashion for things that make them different. I do however support teasing to the point of ridiculousness about the things that we all have in common. I love comedy and I think laughter is a defining beauty in our home but never at the expense of someone else. This was a hard lesson for me as I was teased and tormented when I was young and used words as weapons myself for a long time before God really taught me this.

If you read nothing else of this babbling on READ THIS...

I know that my children are not mine. I have been given an opportunity to raise and influence two daughters of Eve and two sons of Adam. They will take what I have taught them and use it to serve themselves or the Lord. I have no control over that. That is why I am far more concerned with their heart and the why than the behavior itself. I love it that they are all so different. I only hope their true love is the same.

Long Time Gone

I have been curiously absent from my blog world for a rather long time. I love to write and I am never short on opinions and so I was forced to ask myself why... why so long without blogging Miss Amy (because I actually do talk to myself in third person on a regular basis)? Fear. Yup, my answer was quick and sure.... fear.

I have very little ability to filter myself once I get started and so I must refrain at times to keep myself from saying more than I aught (yes, I just used aught in a sentence in 2010). I have found myself in one of those places in life where one must decide which direction they are going to go. There has been a shift in the ages and stages of my children, our location, our church family and in my family family. One might even say that the landscape of my life has changed. I know who I have been... now who will I be. I had the pleasure of having my niece Alex here for a long time this summer. She helped me really see the impact that I have as a mother. I know that my children are picking up all manner of questionable behavior from me but they are also learning that I value their relationship and commitment to Christ higher than any other aspect of their life. I am an evangelist. I cannot help it. My heart cries out for people who are lost and without hope. I have had some horrible experiences with churches and leadership and some have questioned well... everything about me and my faith. So then I tried to pull myself back and not be involved or put myself out there to keep out of trouble and limit strife... and I have suffered for it.

I wasn't made to stay out of trouble any more than I was made to stay silent. I love loving people... right where they are at... just as they are. Especially those that are harder to love. I have made my choice. I will step up and lead because I know God has equipped me for it. I will not be silent when I see others hurting and lost. I am pretty sure I will end up in trouble again at some point... and if the people I have been serving and caring for feel loved by me and by God through me then I will feel successful. I am tired of feeling empty at the world's version of success... I only really feel accomplished when I know God used me to reach someone's need and touch someone's heart.