Ask And You Shall Recieve!

Oh you know you've heard it a million times and occasionally you even hear the part before it (you know, where the catch is) that says it only works if you ask for something that is in God's will, but sweet cheeks I just went and lived it!  For any of you who were forced to read/wade through the heaviness of my last blog post you will see that even the cadence of my writing is different on this one.  I prayed (and you thought what you wished for was dangerous... oh, honey be extra careful what you pray for) that God would relight my pilot light.  I begged him (ok, I might have yelled a little too and you know there was some fist to the sky action as that is a specialty of mine) to renew a passion in me for SOMETHING!  I just wanted a renewed vision... a new set of eyes... a fire in my heart for His service... is that too much to ask?  NO! Apparently not!

If you have known me for awhile you know that I used to be a speaker.  I say used to because well, my life fell apart, my faith was shaken, I went through a very deep depression (I am becoming emotionally winded just typing this), we moved to the middle of nowhere, where I knew no one and to say the least, I quit all that. Full stop.  At one time however, it was the joy spring of my heart.  It lit me up like a Christmas tree in the community park.  There is not a doubt in my mind that it is what I was made to do.  I will spare you most of the details (although they are amazing and I will happily spill for anyone who wants the detailed version) and get to the goods.  God answered my prayer.  He not only answered it... I think He was yelling back.  I have been called back into speaking with a bit of writing on the side.  I know that down the road I want... no, will be writing a book based on some of the topics that I used to speak on.  In the near future I am hoping to be able to return to the "circuit" as we speakers like to call it.

Had this been the end, it would have been great but there is so much more!  That thing that was missing in my spirit... it has returned! That passion that used to wake me up in the middle of the night to write it all down before I forgot (instead of bad dreams) has awakened again!  The hope, the joy, all of it has come bubbling up like a long forgotten spring in a dry land!  I know it won't be easy and every day will come with the same challenges, dishes, laundry, bills and cries of "what's for dinner?" but the seeds of faith have been planted and if they are watered by my tears of sorrow or joy matters not, for they will be watered! Thank you Lord for not giving up on me!  I cannot believe you still bother to listen let alone to answer and give so freely!

P.S. I give this post a cheese factor of around 85% but it just cannot be helped! Sometimes one must give in and just serve it up on a platter with crackers and of course wine (you had to know that was coming)!

So... anybody need a speaker for a women's group, high school girls or the girl half of a college group? Bring it :)

The Cracks Are Starting To Show

I have just spent several minutes staring at this blank screen.  I have so much on my mind and weighing on my heart that I simply don't know how to even begin.  Is what I have to say something anyone even wants to read?  Will it do any good to try and put it into words? Maybe it will and maybe it won't but if I go one more hour without letting some of it out I very well may just have some sort of break down.

My daughter, who is 14, asked me the other day why we stopped doing everything.  "What in the world do you mean?" I asked.  "We haven't stopped doing anything... in fact I am pretty sure that our calender is going to break me."  She explained that what she meant was when did we stop doing all the things we used to do.  As she expounded my heart started to ache.  As she began to recall memories of her younger years and the things that she missed in our life now I relived the loss of each one.  Being the adult that made those decisions I knew when and why they had gone by the wayside.  I know that as an adult not everything can be fun.  I know that you have to do things sometimes because if you don't... no one else will.  We call them responsibilities and obligations.  My problem however is that my life feels as though it has become nothing else.  The things my daughter was looking for were the sweet fun moments and traditions that we used to enjoy together.  They were the reasons that I chose to home school  and stay at home with my children.  She is right, we don't do them anymore.  Over the years I have taken up responsibilities left and right.  The joy in the everyday has ebbed away.  There are so many things that I have to do that there is no time or energy left for what I wanted.  None of these things cost money. None of these things took away from anyone else.  All they required was my excitement, energy and of course time.   Unfortunately, I don't have any of those readily available most days.

Someone told me recently that the years your kids are growing up is just a blur and not to worry about it.  The problem is I didn't want it to be a blur.  I wanted to be intentional and be here in the moments with them. Instead I feel like I am in a chaotic mess.  I am weighed down by the obligations and worries of this life.  I am drowning in fear and stress.  You only get one shot at this and I feel like I am wasting mine.  I feel like everyone gets their piece of me except my children.  I am afraid to even post this because I will undoubtedly hear how bad it made other people feel but it still won't change anything because it's not like they don't still need me to do everything I am doing for them.  I don't need a break.  I don't need someone to listen and tell me it will all work out if I have faith.  I need it to change.  I need to change. 

I Haven't Changed Much...

     A long time friend got me to pull out my old yearbooks today.  Okay, it wasn't hard as they are on a book shelf, designated for my personal memorabilia, in chronological order (yes, I know I have OCD and I don't try to hide it).  As I read through the messages sent to the 13-17year old me I learned something.  I really haven't changed much.  I typed her messages to me and she typed my messages to her and as I read them it made me smile because I could still read the same cadence in my words.  I took some time to look over the other messages and realized, as an adult, the things I did then that I am fairly confident my peers did not do.  I saw the messages written by my friends but mixed in were sprinklings of teachers and staff.  As I read them, one stood out very clearly to me.  I saw where the janitor had signed my yearbook.  I remember asking him to and watching him blush.  I remember him asking why I would want him to sign it.... and I remember my answer.  He didn't just sign one yearbook he signed them all. He commented that he loved the times I would drop by his office (which was a glorified closet/locker) and bring him a surprise or lunch.  Many of my teachers and the custodian at my middle school said the same.  He said he would miss me just saying hello to him everyday. 
     Maybe it's because I was teased so much when I was younger.  Maybe it's because I remember what it is like to feel (to sometimes still want to feel) invisible.  My parents called me "Captain of the Underdogs" but I just wanted to stop people from feeling as lonely as I did most of the time.  It made me so happy to make other people feel special.  It still does.  I have changed in a lot of ways and I have had people who have wanted to change me in every way but I am relieved to see that somethings haven't changed at all. I still openly share my faith where ever I am and with anyone who takes time, to spend time, with me.  I still mean it when I say I will be there if you need me.  I still mean it when I say I love you.  As jaded as I have become (and some days it feels like my heart has gone rock hard) I am still the girl you can call because I really do care.  The people that God has allowed through my life have brought me joy, singing, heartache, hurt and healing.  I wouldn't trade even one of you. Not one.

My Life As a Medical Experiment

    When I say I will do just about anything for money I am usually speaking in vague and suggestive terms but not this weekend.  I was just released from a laboratory after spending the weekend being a willing (and paid) subject in a fatigue study.  I could bore you with the details of the deal but the long and the short of it is that I was paid to stay awake for a really long time and take tests every hour on the hour to help approve or disapprove a shiny new tool for pilots to test their ability to fly.  Although the tests and all that went with them were interesting they are clearly not my take home prize... and neither is the money. 
     If you have met me, you know that I am a people watcher to the core.  I love people. I want to hear their stories, see what they do and learn why they do it.  This experience was a dream come true for someone like me.  We were pre-screened, screened, drug tested, drug tested again and then locked in a lab together for three days.  There were meant to be 4 of us but one backed out literally at the door and so we went on with just three.  We had never met.  We were screened for safety not personality and so it is safe to say just about anything was possible. 
    Over the course of time we shared our stories.  We told the tales and opened up our lives to each other.  We may never meet again but their opinions on family, faith, travel, relationships, politics, government, organics, books, movies, music... the world, will forever be a part of my opinions and decisions on all of them.  A funny thing happens when you are forced to really BE with other humans.  We were allowed to play games and watch movies but whatever we did we had to do together.  There was only one room so you couldn't escape to your own space.  We did not have access to phones, computers, television or outside influences.  We had to be present, awake and together.
    What did I learn?  I learned that when you take away all the tools that we claim "keep us in touch" and "give us access" to each other the intimacy was nearly immediate.  Connecting on a deep level was simple and you could see how hungry, no... starved, for it we all were.  No one was in a hurry or late for the next thing.  No one put you one hold while they took an all important call.  No one used being tired, hungry or having different beliefs or priorities as an excuse to end the conversation.  We were all tired, hungry and had different beliefs and we supported and encouraged each other to stay present.  I really didn't realize how dry and empty my heart is.  I am so lonely for real intimacy and relationship.  So much of my life is spent in rooms full of people who are already gone.  They are already at the next place, the next conversation full of platitudes, the next task or scheduled activity. 
    I can't make anyone ignore their phone.  I can't make anyone value conversation with me more than a good nights sleep.  I can't make anyone get a cramp from laughing instead of putting their iPod in their ears and hitting the gym for their "me" time.  I can't change the speed of the world that I am living in but there are somethings I can do.  I can be there.  I can be present in the moment when I am with you and not look at the clock, phone, iPod, or door.  I can BE PRESENT when I am with you and if you choose to be present with me when you're with me then maybe we can finally get connected, be in touch, have instant access to each other and all those other things that we claim we are doing when what we're really doing is isolating ourselves. 
    Some of you may read this and think "well that was a downer".  Some may read it and scratch you head thinking "I have no idea what she's talking about I can text on the treadmill while my ipod is in and I'm like surrounded by my besties who's lives are also full and satisfying".  Some may read this and think "poor dear...".  What I wonder is, did any of you read this and make a choice to do the same for me.

The Long Avoided Truth

I have avoided a simple truth in life for a very long time.  Hours of concentrated effort have been used to explain my argument and defend my false belief.  It remains the truth however and so I have had to come to a place where I deny it no longer.  I need people.  There it is.  Oh how I have fought this one!  I have even had some of my well meaning 'Christian terrorist' friends back me up with their mantra of "God is all you need"... but it's still true.  I need people.  When I isolate myself (one of my personal favorite defense mechanisms) it does not take long before the shadow of loneliness spreads over my life like the "nothing" in The Never Ending Story. I feel it seep into my bones until my heart literally begins to grow cold from the lack of companionship and camaraderie. It is a hard thing for me to know this about myself.  I prefer positions like independent, strong, self soothing (I HATE that one actually... what an oxymoron of a concept), stand alone and fighter.  Saying I need other people feels like admitting I am weak, pathetic and needy.  The joke is on me though because when I allow myself to openly need others to talk to, spend time with and share life with I find myself feeling strong, independent and capable.  When I isolate myself I become weak, pathetic and needy... oops. 

God created me to need other people.  If I do not talk through a problem or situation with someone else it is very easy for me to get "stuck" in it and overwhelmed.  I find joy and fulfillment in spending time with people and hearing their stories.  Making people laugh (ok, and sometimes cry... mostly in a good way) is like a natural high for me.  The times that I hide and keep to myself feel like punishment and I tend to act like someone who is being punished.  I start to lash out and wound the people around me which just creates a vicious cycle and I end up even more alone.  I have been thinking a lot about this today as I watch a friend struggling with this same thing I don't think she knows it yet but well... isn't it always easier to see it in someone else? It doesn't hurt that our pastor covered the whole "first take the plank out of your own eye and then you will be able to see to help your brother take the speck out of his" scripture last Sunday.  It forced me look at myself and realize I am doing it again right now.  I have been avoiding people and keeping my thoughts and feelings all bottled up inside and it's no wonder that I feel like I am ready to blow my lid every other minute. Looks like it's time to make a concentrated effort to reconnect.  It's like the song says "I'm not as good as I'm gonna be but I'm better than I used to be".  

The Accidental Funeral...

I had been to only two funerals in my life thus far.  One was for my beloved auntie Louise who had loved and served the Lord all her life and it was a joyful graduation ceremony.  The second was for a three day old infant of my friends who were not believers and it was filled with a hopelessness and agony unlike anything I had experienced.  With these as my only reference points you can see why I had no idea what to expect when I accidentally attended a funeral this week.  I say accidentally because I wasn't invited and although I knew something of the deceased I had never met her and I had no intention of being at the service.  There was a hearse parked outside the church but it was clear that they had not set up the sanctuary yet and so I asked if I could play through a few ideas for Sunday on the piano.  I assumed that at some point they would let me know it was time to bring in the... deceased and I would get to gettin'.  Imagine my surprise when I glanced over while turning a page and realized people were being seated for the service!  Now if I stopped playing and just got up it would be awkward and so... I just kept playing and looking for the pastor (aren't they always supposed to know what to do?).  When the pastor did appear it was to quietly thank me for playing and to ask me if I could sing Amazing Grace during the service.  I lovingly responded with "I hope you are kidding?" and he just smiled and said "Please... it would really help me out" (since even I know you can't really say no to a pastor when they say please, especially on their home turf) I agreed.  Begrudgingly.

As I listened to them speak the eulogy I was surprised.  She was a wife and mother.  There were letters from family and friends and stories and accolades shared but that was it.  We didn't hear a list of the titles she had received.  If she had any degrees or alma mater I didn't hear them mentioned.  They didn't list the countries she had visited or number of mission trips she went on.  Instead they spoke of baking cookies, sacrificed time so that she could be at practices and concerts.  Her husband of 64 years sat in the front row and I saw his hand reach absently toward the empty space just to the side of his knee several times.  I imagine that must be the side she usually sat on.  How empty that space must feel now.  They spoke of this woman whose life was given to them as a gift to make theirs richer and it was enough. 

When we moved out here to the community of Elk one of the things I was hoping for was to find a slower pace and a different lifestyle.  Where I grew up that wasn't considered enough.  Outside of the home I grew up in, it was more important for women to feel accomplished and reach personal goals, then to give themselves up to help others reach theirs.  I found out that she was one of the charter members of the Elk Homemakers Club that I attend and coincidentally attended that day right after the service.  I am living in her legacy.  I am reaping the benefit of what she helped to build.  Because of her and other women like her I now live in a community that respects women who spend their lives caring for their families and loving their husbands for a full lifetime.  My heart needed to hear that message.  I desperately needed to be reminded that it is enough.  She may not have left her "mark on the world" but she left her mark on their hearts and on this community... on me.

I may have attended by accident but it was an honor to play and sing at her celebration service.  I hope someday that I will get a chance to meet her but to be honest as I looked around the table at our Homemakers meeting, it felt like I already have.  I still don't know why anyone would park a hearse outside a church when the body has already been laid to rest.  Is that someones weird equivalent to tying balloons to the mailbox when your hosting a birthday party?!  I will say that in this instance it worked in my favor and now you know how a person accidentally attends a funeral they weren't invited to, for someone they never met and learns that there are no accidents.

Ode To My Daddy

There are lots of different kinds of fathers out there.  When I was growing up I thought my dad was harsh, cruel, and maybe the meanest man alive.  Now as an adult with a family of my own, I realize that my father was and is what I see as the perfect kind of man.  My dad loved me enough to let me hate him for doing what was right for me, and put me in my place.  My father taught me that I was worth more than I ever thought I was on my own.  My dad never pretended to be perfect but he has never given less than his best.  For so many years I have heard people tell me what it means to be prepared for the future and to invest well... but my father showed me.  He has always told me that he is not anxious to leave me, but knows his creator and cannot wait to see heaven.  He has always told me that everything belongs to the Lord God and that if he has been given extra, it is to be given away.  He has set an example for me so foreign to the world.  My father taught me that God has, will, and does provide for those who place their trust wholly in Him.  I LOVE my dad.  I could not have asked for, or wished for, a better earthly father.  I know you are not perfect daddy, but you are the perfect dad for me.  With my father and my mother, I have been doubly blessed. I hope that I have been half as good as a daughter, as you have been father to me.  Daddy, you make me feel like a princess and my value in your eyes, is what every girl should have.