Wednesday, August 8, 2012

I Haven't Changed Much...

     A long time friend got me to pull out my old yearbooks today.  Okay, it wasn't hard as they are on a book shelf, designated for my personal memorabilia, in chronological order (yes, I know I have OCD and I don't try to hide it).  As I read through the messages sent to the 13-17year old me I learned something.  I really haven't changed much.  I typed her messages to me and she typed my messages to her and as I read them it made me smile because I could still read the same cadence in my words.  I took some time to look over the other messages and realized, as an adult, the things I did then that I am fairly confident my peers did not do.  I saw the messages written by my friends but mixed in were sprinklings of teachers and staff.  As I read them, one stood out very clearly to me.  I saw where the janitor had signed my yearbook.  I remember asking him to and watching him blush.  I remember him asking why I would want him to sign it.... and I remember my answer.  He didn't just sign one yearbook he signed them all. He commented that he loved the times I would drop by his office (which was a glorified closet/locker) and bring him a surprise or lunch.  Many of my teachers and the custodian at my middle school said the same.  He said he would miss me just saying hello to him everyday. 
     Maybe it's because I was teased so much when I was younger.  Maybe it's because I remember what it is like to feel (to sometimes still want to feel) invisible.  My parents called me "Captain of the Underdogs" but I just wanted to stop people from feeling as lonely as I did most of the time.  It made me so happy to make other people feel special.  It still does.  I have changed in a lot of ways and I have had people who have wanted to change me in every way but I am relieved to see that somethings haven't changed at all. I still openly share my faith where ever I am and with anyone who takes time, to spend time, with me.  I still mean it when I say I will be there if you need me.  I still mean it when I say I love you.  As jaded as I have become (and some days it feels like my heart has gone rock hard) I am still the girl you can call because I really do care.  The people that God has allowed through my life have brought me joy, singing, heartache, hurt and healing.  I wouldn't trade even one of you. Not one.