Monday, October 19, 2009

Fading Family...

These are the McCoy kids. My four brothers and me... I'm the baby. These photos are fading and yellow with years but they have fared better than our relationships. What happened?

At some point all the things that were supposed to hold us together... tore us apart. I look at this photo taken in front of the house I lived in until I married and moved out. Their faces are fading out of the photo but are crisp and clear in my mind. I miss them so much. I miss what could have been and what could still be but... it would take a miracle. Oddly enough the one who lives the farthest away is the one I have the closest relationship with, while the one physically the closest has chosen to no longer speak to me or my parents.

My mother's birthday is this week as well as my daughter's. My father turns 70 this year. So much missed time together. So many memories not made. I wonder how much time they think they have. I wonder what they will do when they realize they can't get it back. How many people will they loose and not think of the ones still here... longing for them. Loving them... I do not understand.

I know so many who no longer have that choice. They can do nothing to have one more Christmas, birthday, day or moment. We have the chance for all... and they slip through the hands like the tears falling from my mothers eyes as she touches their pictures and tries not to let the memories fade.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

What if it wasn't true...

I woke up feeling like this (see picture on left) this morning. I met someone yesterday. I say met and yet, what I really mean is... my regular counselor was in over her head with me on some things and recommended that I go see another therapist with more experience with my level of crazy... and I spilled my guts all over the poor women for just shy of three hours. Result?... life change. For the first time I got the chance to be completely honest with someone about what has been going on in my heart and head for all my life, who really got it. She has been there and really, really got it. We dug deep, hashed hard and I came out the other side with truth. I have believed some pretty serious lies for a very long time and they were literally crippling me. In my defence I never checked to see if they were true. I just believed them. How can so many people be wrong?... but they were. I know that now and I am floored. I haven't felt this free... well, EVER! I slept last night. The kind of sleep that perhaps you take for granted. No nightmares. No muscles clenched so tight I feel like I'm made of metal. No fear... did you hear me NO FEAR! A prison with no bars is a prison still and I have been in one for a long time. I am afraid to feel this way. Who am I without all the fear and anxiety? Who am I without all the labels and questions? I don't know. I don't know... but I am going to find out!

If you feel like I am being perhaps a bit vague... I am. A lifetime of lies, pain, secrets, and fear are a bit much to explain in a blog post... go figure... but know this... Jesus is enough, did enough, paid enough... even for me.