Thursday, September 27, 2012

Ask And You Shall Recieve!

Oh you know you've heard it a million times and occasionally you even hear the part before it (you know, where the catch is) that says it only works if you ask for something that is in God's will, but sweet cheeks I just went and lived it!  For any of you who were forced to read/wade through the heaviness of my last blog post you will see that even the cadence of my writing is different on this one.  I prayed (and you thought what you wished for was dangerous... oh, honey be extra careful what you pray for) that God would relight my pilot light.  I begged him (ok, I might have yelled a little too and you know there was some fist to the sky action as that is a specialty of mine) to renew a passion in me for SOMETHING!  I just wanted a renewed vision... a new set of eyes... a fire in my heart for His service... is that too much to ask?  NO! Apparently not!

If you have known me for awhile you know that I used to be a speaker.  I say used to because well, my life fell apart, my faith was shaken, I went through a very deep depression (I am becoming emotionally winded just typing this), we moved to the middle of nowhere, where I knew no one and to say the least, I quit all that. Full stop.  At one time however, it was the joy spring of my heart.  It lit me up like a Christmas tree in the community park.  There is not a doubt in my mind that it is what I was made to do.  I will spare you most of the details (although they are amazing and I will happily spill for anyone who wants the detailed version) and get to the goods.  God answered my prayer.  He not only answered it... I think He was yelling back.  I have been called back into speaking with a bit of writing on the side.  I know that down the road I want... no, will be writing a book based on some of the topics that I used to speak on.  In the near future I am hoping to be able to return to the "circuit" as we speakers like to call it.

Had this been the end, it would have been great but there is so much more!  That thing that was missing in my spirit... it has returned! That passion that used to wake me up in the middle of the night to write it all down before I forgot (instead of bad dreams) has awakened again!  The hope, the joy, all of it has come bubbling up like a long forgotten spring in a dry land!  I know it won't be easy and every day will come with the same challenges, dishes, laundry, bills and cries of "what's for dinner?" but the seeds of faith have been planted and if they are watered by my tears of sorrow or joy matters not, for they will be watered! Thank you Lord for not giving up on me!  I cannot believe you still bother to listen let alone to answer and give so freely!

P.S. I give this post a cheese factor of around 85% but it just cannot be helped! Sometimes one must give in and just serve it up on a platter with crackers and of course wine (you had to know that was coming)!

So... anybody need a speaker for a women's group, high school girls or the girl half of a college group? Bring it :)

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

The Cracks Are Starting To Show

I have just spent several minutes staring at this blank screen.  I have so much on my mind and weighing on my heart that I simply don't know how to even begin.  Is what I have to say something anyone even wants to read?  Will it do any good to try and put it into words? Maybe it will and maybe it won't but if I go one more hour without letting some of it out I very well may just have some sort of break down.

My daughter, who is 14, asked me the other day why we stopped doing everything.  "What in the world do you mean?" I asked.  "We haven't stopped doing anything... in fact I am pretty sure that our calender is going to break me."  She explained that what she meant was when did we stop doing all the things we used to do.  As she expounded my heart started to ache.  As she began to recall memories of her younger years and the things that she missed in our life now I relived the loss of each one.  Being the adult that made those decisions I knew when and why they had gone by the wayside.  I know that as an adult not everything can be fun.  I know that you have to do things sometimes because if you don't... no one else will.  We call them responsibilities and obligations.  My problem however is that my life feels as though it has become nothing else.  The things my daughter was looking for were the sweet fun moments and traditions that we used to enjoy together.  They were the reasons that I chose to home school  and stay at home with my children.  She is right, we don't do them anymore.  Over the years I have taken up responsibilities left and right.  The joy in the everyday has ebbed away.  There are so many things that I have to do that there is no time or energy left for what I wanted.  None of these things cost money. None of these things took away from anyone else.  All they required was my excitement, energy and of course time.   Unfortunately, I don't have any of those readily available most days.

Someone told me recently that the years your kids are growing up is just a blur and not to worry about it.  The problem is I didn't want it to be a blur.  I wanted to be intentional and be here in the moments with them. Instead I feel like I am in a chaotic mess.  I am weighed down by the obligations and worries of this life.  I am drowning in fear and stress.  You only get one shot at this and I feel like I am wasting mine.  I feel like everyone gets their piece of me except my children.  I am afraid to even post this because I will undoubtedly hear how bad it made other people feel but it still won't change anything because it's not like they don't still need me to do everything I am doing for them.  I don't need a break.  I don't need someone to listen and tell me it will all work out if I have faith.  I need it to change.  I need to change.