I woke up feeling like this (see picture on left) this morning. I met someone yesterday. I say met and yet, what I really mean is... my regular counselor was in over her head with me on some things and recommended that I go see another therapist with more experience with my level of crazy... and I spilled my guts all over the poor women for just shy of three hours. Result?... life change. For the first time I got the chance to be completely honest with someone about what has been going on in my heart and head for all my life, who really got it. She has been there and really, really got it. We dug deep, hashed hard and I came out the other side with truth. I have believed some pretty serious lies for a very long time and they were literally crippling me. In my defence I never checked to see if they were true. I just believed them. How can so many people be wrong?... but they were. I know that now and I am floored. I haven't felt this free... well, EVER! I slept last night. The kind of sleep that perhaps you take for granted. No nightmares. No muscles clenched so tight I feel like I'm made of metal. No fear... did you hear me NO FEAR! A prison with no bars is a prison still and I have been in one for a long time. I am afraid to feel this way. Who am I without all the fear and anxiety? Who am I without all the labels and questions? I don't know. I don't know... but I am going to find out!
If you feel like I am being perhaps a bit vague... I am. A lifetime of lies, pain, secrets, and fear are a bit much to explain in a blog post... go figure... but know this... Jesus is enough, did enough, paid enough... even for me.
September in my wardrobe
3 months ago