I have just spent several minutes staring at this blank screen. I have so much on my mind and weighing on my heart that I simply don't know how to even begin. Is what I have to say something anyone even wants to read? Will it do any good to try and put it into words? Maybe it will and maybe it won't but if I go one more hour without letting some of it out I very well may just have some sort of break down.
My daughter, who is 14, asked me the other day why we stopped doing everything. "What in the world do you mean?" I asked. "We haven't stopped doing anything... in fact I am pretty sure that our calender is going to break me." She explained that what she meant was when did we stop doing all the things we used to do. As she expounded my heart started to ache. As she began to recall memories of her younger years and the things that she missed in our life now I relived the loss of each one. Being the adult that made those decisions I knew when and why they had gone by the wayside. I know that as an adult not everything can be fun. I know that you have to do things sometimes because if you don't... no one else will. We call them responsibilities and obligations. My problem however is that my life feels as though it has become nothing else. The things my daughter was looking for were the sweet fun moments and traditions that we used to enjoy together. They were the reasons that I chose to home school and stay at home with my children. She is right, we don't do them anymore. Over the years I have taken up responsibilities left and right. The joy in the everyday has ebbed away. There are so many things that I have to do that there is no time or energy left for what I wanted. None of these things cost money. None of these things took away from anyone else. All they required was my excitement, energy and of course time. Unfortunately, I don't have any of those readily available most days.
Someone told me recently that the years your kids are growing up is just a blur and not to worry about it. The problem is I didn't want it to be a blur. I wanted to be intentional and be here in the moments with them. Instead I feel like I am in a chaotic mess. I am weighed down by the obligations and worries of this life. I am drowning in fear and stress. You only get one shot at this and I feel like I am wasting mine. I feel like everyone gets their piece of me except my children. I am afraid to even post this because I will undoubtedly hear how bad it made other people feel but it still won't change anything because it's not like they don't still need me to do everything I am doing for them. I don't need a break. I don't need someone to listen and tell me it will all work out if I have faith. I need it to change. I need to change.