Friday, April 5, 2013

What I Miss...

     Some of you might be thinking that at my age there really cannot be that many things that I miss.  Some may even be so bold as to wonder if I truly know what those words mean.  I assure you with a broken heart, that I do.  I write this bravely, knowing that my mother can no longer find her way to this page.  She has always been my biggest fan but Alzheimer's has taken her far away from me most days.  We still talk and I love to just watch her face.  It is so different now.  Every time I am with her I try to memorize her.  I am what my husband likes to call a "sheep in wolves clothing".  For all those fans of the Veronica Mars series I guess I would be a burnt marshmallow.  I have been burned so badly by so many people that I would prefer that is what they see first.  A hard, chard exterior.   I am the girl who bleeds internally because I will never let you see the pain I am really in.  The life of the party that cries herself to sleep. 
     I miss being young.  I look in the mirror and I am a bit surprised each time.  I keep expecting to see the girl that could be and do anything.  I miss the way I used to be able to talk to my mom.  Really talk to my mom.  Don't get me wrong, she never really understood me, it's just that she never got bored of hearing what I had to say.  She thought I was one of the five (she had five children) most interesting people in this world.  I miss that.  I miss education, music, writing, art, dreaming and all the things that we took for granted that we had an hour for each day in our youth.
     I  miss how I believed that everything would be alright in the end.  I am a born again Christian.  I know how the story ends and so I know that indeed, in the end, all will be set right... but that is not what I mean in this context.  Life is so hard.  Bad things happen to good people.  Saved or not, we must suffer the consequences of our choices in life.  I am surrounded right now with people I love that are living that out.  I miss the confidence that I had in myself when I thought I was invincible.  I miss feeling like I knew it all because now... I don't feel like I understand anything.  In my very first blog post I said this would be my diary to the world and I suppose that tonight, I am proving I meant it. 


Fiesta Mama said...

i love you, Amy, and I love your Mom too.

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