My firstborn has moved out. He works full time, controls his own schedule and makes his own decisions. It's that last one that has been a bit rough for me. We have had a few... sparring matches over it, and I have been using all my mommy tricks to try and keep those apron strings at least loosely tied. I have been so anxious and worried about what he does and taking it personally when he did something I didn't like. I would remind him of mistakes he made in the past to try and undermine his confidence in himself, and put his trust in me (cause everyone loves that right?). I felt like if he made a mistake, it was a reflection on me and my parenting. I needed to make sure he didn't do anything that would pull him away from God or his faith. Even though I didn't realize that was what I was doing, it was all about control, it was all about... me.I was, in fact, spilling my guts to God in my quiet time this morning (casting my cares on him like baseballs in a batting cage) when I felt like I got cold water splashed in my face. I felt God say "Are you done? I have something to say if you're ready to listen." Well, I listened and boy did He set me straight. He reminded me that my son has a real relationship with Him and that if he was in need of being chased after, or convicted in heart for something, He would take care of that. My job as a mother of a grown man, is to love, encourage and make his favorite cookies. He has a parent in authority over him but it isn't us anymore. If I choose to keep trying to parent him, I am either saying I think my son is still a child, or even worse, that I don't think his faith is genuine.
I didn't do it all right but I did the best I could.
Now it's time to enjoy the fruit of my labor, as I watch my grown son live out his faith and his life. When he makes mistakes I know his heavenly Father will be there and that He will be faithful to keep all His promises to His son that He keeps to this daughter.
Now to get through this three more times... Oye Vey!
P.S. I asked my son for forgiveness and our Daddy too.
1 comment:
Amy, I so appreciate your candor. God has spoken to me many times in much the same way...and not just about our kids. I have not yet experienced a child leaving home but I have noticed just within the past few months that I am becoming increasingly "suspicious" of what my oldest is up to. There's no reason for it, except that I may have overlooked something in the past years and want to make sure he is competent in every single area of his life.
Needless to say, he was annoyed. Why would we have a great relationship up to this point, be encouraged with his level of spiritual maturity and then tighten up the reigns? Fear. Simply put. There are too many possible things that his inexperience wouldn't be ready for. I too forget that he's developed a relationship with his heavenly Father in spite of what we've done wrong. He's been mature beyond his years even when aggravated by chaotic parenting.
We are so blessed to not receive what we deserve. God preserved me and drew even closer during the worst of my parents' mistakes. It is those times when/if we fail that God fills in the gaps. He's got this even when we don't.
You get to look forward to seeing your son thrive on his own. He will surprise you! There may actually come a time when you can't imagine having him back at home. He belongs on his own. Crazy thought...we raise our kids to leave us as they mature; God "raises" us to draw nearer to Him as we mature and one day, live with Him. Complete opposite.
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