Thursday, October 7, 2010

Pride Cometh After the Fall?

I don't believe in happenstance or coincidence and so when my life takes a turn... I take a good look around and try to see what God is doing. I know that sometimes we never see the reasons behind some of what he does and then there are times like oh, let's say... in my life now... where it is embarrassingly clear. For those of you who don't know (which is sadly probably not many of you), I have a lovely pride problem and a vast array of vices... bad combo? Yes, I fear so.

I honestly had no idea how prideful I was until late last night when I received a very sweet and kind message from a friend. I admit to calling him "a well meaning Christian terrorist" when I first read his message. You see he had the audacity to say that I was way too concerned with how I look and that I basically needed a reality check about my situation. He of course said all this very politely and so me wanting to give him a swift kick was undignified. He is a guy, of course he doesn't notice much difference! Having only known me a short time, he has no idea how I was teased growing up about my looks or how I have had nightmares about breaking my teeth again ever since I did it the first time and especially since finally having them repaired! He doesn't know anything or he would never have said any of that! I mean it made it sound like I have a pride problem... uh oh.
See, here is where it gets ugly. Not my face (well ok that too...) but rather the truth. You see I know better than anyone that I have some things I like to run to when I am hurting, tired, angry, frustrated... and that much of the time, I reach for them long before my Bible. Funny, (well, it would be if you're not me) since my accident, I can't do any of them. I physically can't do any of them. I have been trying to make decisions about my purpose in life and what I will do with my kids, church and relationships and I think I was about to make some of the wrong ones. At the very least I was making them for the wrong reasons.
So, my life took a turn and where am I now? I am alive, so there is still more to do. I cannot talk so I will have to listen. I cannot turn to the things that I usually do to distract and protect myself so I will have to face things head on (although no more large rocks to the face please) and feel the emotions that come with them. I cannot sing, smile, entertain or otherwise "earn" affection. I will have to accept hospitality instead of give it. I will have to admit that pride didn't come after my fall and that even though there were no signs on that wooded trail... I missed one.


schlange said...

I have always liked and admired you for your honesty...It takes courage to face the truth head on, it's never been an easy one for me, but I will pray for grace as you seek to do just that.
Brooke (not steve!)

Tam said...

I agree with Brooke (not steve!). I appreciate your honesty. :)

Olson Family said...

Ah... you make me smile. (See? Your fingers didn't break. And now here you are, being your beautiful honest self, STILL making others smile!)

For the record, I always knew you had pride issues. Eh hem. But not in a Nellie Olsen kind of way. No, your tender heart and loving spirit and compassion for others has always been pride issues in more of a Laura Ingalls sort of way. You know?

And for those of us, (yep, referring to me), who struggle with pride issues... {long sigh} Well, I hope that I am as humble as you in my fumbling bumbling moments. Thank you for being such a huge encouragement!

Love you. Praying for you.