Here I am... again... late at night in front of the glowing screen thinking "I just want to talk it all out with someone" but there is no one here who wants to talk... well, except for you my little captive and willing audience. I am struggling. I have so many dreams, visions and goals (and so little belief in myself) that it is hard. It seems like each time I find my voice on some situation I am thrust before several different opinions about the same subject very soon after. How do you cope with feeling like your opinion is correct when others are not? How do you know if you are leading... or leading astray?
This all feels a little... beige and vague. Let me give an example and perhaps that will help.
I bring you to our little church last week with a visiting pastor (a man I have a history with and know well but perhaps had no idea I was in the room) as he did an amazing job of fire and brimstone (the likes of which I have not seen since I was a child) at our pastor's bequest. Then I came home to find a poet/prophet on (of all things) Facebook and was forced to look at the contrasts. One preached shame, guilt and damnation, while one preached forgiveness and redemption despite our obvious unworthiness. To be honest I am much more comfortable with damnation. I know full well that I am not worthy. I know that the one true living God gave all that I might live. When I hear all the reasons that I am unworthy... they do not surprise me. In fact, my unworthiness is my second skin. However, something happens in my heart and in my head when I hear that I am damned. There is a pilot light that will not go out. I feel a hope, that seems to spring eternal in my heart, whisper to me that in my weakness I will find strength and in my failure lies my only hope of success, because I was willing to call out for redemption and a Savior.
I will never be the shining example of how to behave or what to say but let me be an example in this...
Lord God, I was created by you in your image. I know that my reflection of you is shallow. I only pray that as you watch that image you can see how much I want to please you. I want other people to love you more because of how I speak about you. I want other people to trust you because they have heard the stories of your faithfulness from me. I may not do chain letters or idle threats about you being ashamed of me because I didn't forward someones junk mail but I do desperately want to thank you and please you.