This is How Coffeehouses Get a Reputation...

Oh the joy of being a verbal processor.  For some people, a coffeehouse is just a location to imbibe in a hot beverage with some alternative music selection playing in the background, drowning out the brilliant insight (right along with the not so brilliant), separated only by table space.  For others, it is a land mine of possibilities and a location to forever picture in the minds eye when referencing "the moment" when clarity struck the heart like a branch of white lightning on a moonless night.  Wow, that was pretty poetic... even for me.

I have a weird track record of having things, places and people removed from my sphere of influence and my life with little to no notice.  Living this way makes a person learn to not look back much and try to forever be looking for the new adventurous opportunity.  Sometimes, a person finds something that they really genuinely love and are passionate about.  That thing that makes them feel alive and purposeful. When this thing is removed, they may try to move on (as I have) but find that they cannot ignore something so ingrained in who they are and want to be (as I have).

MOPS.  It stands for Mothers Of  Pre-Schoolers.  I am no longer one.  I served in this ministry for over 10 years of my life.  It has been the source of my greatest joy and my greatest pain.  It wasn't until this week that I really realized that it still holds my heart captive in a way I could or would not have imagined.  I miss it.  I miss it so much.  I look back and see all I learned.  I look ahead and see how much I have to offer.  If it were not for the mentors I had at that age and stage I could never have had the confidence to be the mom I needed to be.  I want desperately to give that to other young moms now.  I want to be a part of them learning to trust themselves and have confidence in what they are doing and how they are doing it.  I feel a desire and call to be a voice of reason and hope in a time when they are bombarded with opinions and information that most times just makes it all harder.  As I spoke to my friend about how I cherished the opportunity to just "be there" for these moms with young ones, I was forced to face the fact that I do know what I am called to do and I am not doing it (not right now).  The number one thing I have to offer is the confidence in yourself, that comes from a seasoned mom (with kids a couple steps ahead) admitting what worked, what didn't and why I think that might be.

Public Service Announcement:  Coffeehouses are dangerous places.  They make you end up telling tales you meant to carry to the grave, admitting mistakes, gazing long into the mirror of the soul to find what you fear, desire and love... to be the same thing.  You have been warned.

For Auld Lang Syne...

 I think that something got lost in translation.  I had a nice long talk (I really don't do any other kind) with my children on New Years Eve about the meaning of the holiday.  I was stunned to learn that they only knew it as a day to make resolutions and look forward to the new year... WHAT?!  I quickly assured them that it was about neither!  The word resolution is not about making goals.  It is about resolving.  You can only resolve what has already passed.  You can set goals for the future but not resolutions.  New years Eve is about resolving.  The most famous song ever written about New Years Eve is right on the money... only so few actually know the words that it is not surprising there is confusion.  I walked my children through each verse and I think Raven put it best with "Oh gosh, that makes so much more sense and has such a beautiful meaning! I never thought of it that way!".  It occurred to me as I read through so many posts today that maybe my children were not the only ones who didn't get it.  So, here we go... New Years Eve class.

Auld Lang Syne was originally a Scottish Song that was translated over time into many languages and has become a  hallmark for the holiday because it truly embraces what it represents.  Lets take a look at it shall we? 

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind ?
Should old acquaintance be forgot, and auld lang syne.
For auld lang syne my dear, for auld lang syne
we'll drink a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne

The first thing to clarify is that 'For Auld Lang Syne' means  'For Old Times Sake'.  The second is that the "cup of kindness" is many times represented literally by a cup of liquid but means exactly what it says, a cup of kindness.  An acquaintance is someone you have met.

And surely you’ll buy your cup !
and surely I’ll buy mine !
And we'll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne

This means that I will pay for what I have done and you will pay for what you have done but we are choosing to wash it away with a cup of kindness and releasing each other for any debt emotionally or physically to one another.

We two have run about the slopes,
and picked the daisies fine ;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.

We have had our good times and do not denounce what  made us friends.  We have walked through part of life together and we will not forget that.

We two have paddled in the stream,
from morning sun till nigh ;
But seas between us broad have roared
since auld lang syne.

We have struggled and grown together in our childhood or as grown children but time and circumstances have divided us.  Conflict has divided our hearts in the time that has passed.

And there’s a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.

I will give you my hand and you will put yours in mine.  We will choose to wash away the past with kindness for old times sake.

It was meant to be an annual practice to keep our hearts from filling with bitterness and strife.  We have instead taken time each year to practice breaking promises, in the place of practicing resolving conflict and forgiveness. Yet we wonder why we are so much better at one than the other.  This year I beg you.  Please do not practice breaking promises to yourself or to God.  Instead, practice forgiveness and ownership of your mistakes.  I promise you that one will usher in a truly NEW YEAR and the other just a broken heart that may not even be your own.

P.S.
For all those love birds out there... the tradition of kissing your love on the stroke of midnight is to take love with you into the new year.  It is to pull the one you love into an embrace and kiss them, thereby choosing to bring their love and your love for them with you into the new year while leaving all the past behind.  For the record... not a bad idea to do everyday!


 

What If Time Doesn't Heal All Things?

That was the question that I was eating, sleeping and breathing as the countdown to my parent's 50th wedding anniversary / family reunion approached.  We have a big family.  Like so many other families (big and small) we have had good, bad and ugly moments... ok, or years. My concern was because I had held on to things.  I had a lot to forgive and a lot to be forgiven.  I hoped that we would all be able to come together for my parents sake and "play nice" for a couple days and then go our separate ways.  In my minds eye that was really the best case scenario I could envision.  I was wrong. 

The McCoy Clan

It turns out that the act of putting all of us under one roof, had a much different outcome than I could have dreamed.  We healed.  We talked, laughed, smiled, trusted and healed.  Out of my parents, all their children and grandchildren, there were only four missing.  My ex-sister in law would not allow my brother's children to attend and I feel so sorry for them.  They missed a beautiful moment in our family history, that I pray lays the groundwork for our future.  We grew up. 

Maybe it wasn't the same for everyone but I will tell you my side of the story.  I am the youngest and so I have an image of my brothers that I carry with me.  What I learned through this weekend was that I had an image based on mental pictures taken over many years... many years ago.  I was forced to ask myself what it would mean for me if they (or anyone) judged me now on who I was when I was seventeen.  For all of you who knew me then... I think you know that image is a bit in contrast to who I am now.  Yet, I will tell you, that is the standard that I have held my brothers to.  I didn't let them grow up in my heart or my mind.  They are men now.  They have grown and changed.  They are amazing.  I love them.  All of them. 

There were members of their families that I was afraid to see.  I was nervous and scared that I would be hurt.  I didn't need to worry.  The old adage is true.  Time really does soften so many things.  I was able to spend time and talk through things with some and just love and encourage others.  It was a time to come together as a family.  It was a chance that all of us took together and the payoff was huge.  We did not just bring our family together for a weekend... we brought our family back together.  There is nothing quite like family.  There is a sacred tie that binds.  Sometimes that tie hurts and wounds people.  There have been times in our family that I have seen that.  However, that tie can also hold us fast in a world that seems to spin faster everyday.  That tie can lift us up when we are too tired and weary to stand on our own.  That tie can increase our faith and give us courage.  I am thankful for my family now, in a way that I have never been.  This Christmas I celebrate the fact that I have been adopted into a family that I was able to choose and I will celebrate anew the family that I was born into.  The family that God chose for me.  I will open what is under the tree with joy but I will do so knowing that I have already received my "big" gift this year.  

This Christmas Will Be A Little Different...

You may have heard me hinting around that this Christmas our family is doing things a little differently.  We were waiting until "Tree Day" which, for those of you who don't know, is our personal family holiday the day after Thanksgiving when we cut our tree and deck the halls.  We were fairly sure that our children would go along quite gladly and I am so happy to say our suspicions were dead on.  Having gone so much of this year with little to no income made it clearer than ever to us what we really value.  We were reminded that need and want are two very different things.  In case you think our kids are just going along, I will tell you that we made this decision because when we asked them if they had thought about what they might want for Christmas, they said there just wasn't anything they needed.  They  could each think of a few things they would like but nothing they felt like they needed.  It made us realize that we had an opportunity that we just didn't want to miss (and very grateful children).

Although I cannot tell all the details I will share a few.  We believe that all of us have enough.  In fact we do not need a single thing more to be happy.  We are satisfied, content and want for nothing.  God has seen to all of our needs and so many of our wants.  As a family we have decided to embrace the real reason for the season and give.  Just give.  It is our goal to say "Merry Christmas to each person that we encounter in the month of December.  We are hoping to spread good cheer and the gospel.  Our home will be opened, our hands will be hard at work and our goal is to love the people around us.  We cannot change the world but we can do something.  We can and we will.  So, allow it to begin with me...

My personal goals for this season are to not give a single gift out of obligation, enjoy the traditions and fun with my family, show gratitude for what I am given and look for ways to help, encourage and love the people that are put in my path. I hope that you will take time this season to talk to, write to or spend time with the people that you love.  I hope that you remember to be kind and gentle with the people around you.  My wish for you is that you feel the joy this season, of giving something to someone else, with no expectation of receiving anything in return.  I hope you sing Christmas carols and sit down to a hot cup of cocoa and some Christmas letters.  Even if you have never been before, I invite you to attend a church service and see what the reason for the season really is.  It really is the most wonderful time of the year!  Christmas is not about spending money you don't have on things you don't need for people that either love you or they don't (and nothing in a box is going to change that).  Christmas is about the world being offered the greatest gift we could ever ask for and all you have to do to really celebrate it... is to accept it.  Jesus is the reason for the season.  Something so amazing happened over 2,000 years ago that people are still talking, fighting, worshiping, singing and even giving up their lives for it.

Merry Christmas! May God richly bless you and may you find that Jesus is the reason for the season... but the reason for Jesus... is you.

The Heart of Thanksgiving... not the art.

I am writing this post because my daughter asked me to.  She and I are attending a Bible study on Tuesday mornings and we have been using this as an awesome excuse to spend Tuesday together.  Over lunch today we got in an intense conversation about something that came up via the facilitator of the group.  With Thanksgiving this week she was talking about the people coming to her house for the holiday.  Originally, she was just hosting her usual family but is now hosting her brother and his family and all that en-tales.  I do not use the term hosting lightly.  Here is the problem.  There were several references to how it was going to be different for 'their guests' as they have many rules in their home that all invited guests would need to adhere to.  The one that she chose to use as an example (more than once) was that in their home, there would be no alcohol, even though she knew that would be a problem for many of the guests... it is not allowed in their home.  Don't get me wrong, I understand that when "in Rome" but allow me to tell you what my problem with this was... really.

Just minutes before, she had told us a story about the same family members.  In her story she explained that she has never looked to spend holidays with them as they are so "materialistic" and their home is not family friendly.  Just so that you understand, she was clear that nearly everything in the home is white.  The furnishings are literally priceless.  They are art collectors and it is just not well... what one would call 'kid friendly'.  She then told how it came to be that they needed (not wanted) to come to their home for Thanksgiving.  Somehow there was an issue with a fuel delivery and their house was pumped throughout with soot.  For "normal" people that would suck but clearly for them... bad, bad, bad.  So, here they are at the mercy of someone who should be merciful. Maybe it is because I am a clean freak with OCD, but I get why it would be not only devastating to be unable to host your guests but even harder to call and ask for someone else to host them, especially knowing that they will not be treated or considered in the way that you had planned to.  When she told the story she was chuckling.  I get it.  I understand. I would be a liar if I didn't say that had I been in the same place I would not have been tempted to chuckled a bit myself.  It is still a sad irony.

The reason that Raven wanted me to write this is because after we talked it through, she felt that this was something people needed to hear.  I am a Christian.  I believe that God looks at the heart more than the behavior.  I think that there is a huge difference between hosting and hospitality.  Hospitality has a heart.  I believe that God is more pleased with someone who pours a glass of wine in a home where it is frowned upon (if you read the same Bible as me it clearly isn't sinful) because it is what the guest is wanting, then someone who opens their home with a smirk because (due to an unexpected hardship) someone is in need of help.  Thanksgiving is the ultimate opportunity for others to see what you value.  It is an intimate look into each others lives and traditions.  When you share that meal I think it is important to share it all... but if the rules and traditions are more important to you than the people they will not feel you shared anything. God looks at the heart.  I believe that so much could have been achieved by showing the heart of hospitality and not the art of hospitality.

Hospitality is offering what you have to someone else with joy and without expectation.  The art of entertaining is to further your own reputation and achieve accolades.  Hospitality can even leave you feeling like you gave something... because you did.  The art of entertaining leaves you feeling better about yourself... well at least until you read something like this.

Shame, Shame, Shame... Change.

This a line from one of my favorite songs (Murder of One), written by one of my favorite bands (Counting Crows), off my favorite of their albums (August and Everything After).  Shame is something that you experience when you know, want and believe better of yourself.  It is something that you honestly have to have a moral compass to even understand and it can be a powerful motivator for self destruction... or change.  I don't believe in coincidences and so when I found myself humming it this morning and then it came on my ipod, only to be followed by an overwhelming self slap of my personal feelings of shame in the face of truth, I was not left wondering if perhaps I was going to be learning a lesson today.

Sometimes I do shameful things.  I make choices that I know are wrong.  In most instances I look back and feel ashamed but in some I know it will come even as I choose to do it anyway.  What on earth do you do with that?  When you find yourself in one of those places where you know that you chose willingly to do something you knew was wrong and it brings you to this sick disgusting place where you knew you would be.  You can't blame anyone else.  You can't say you didn't know it would end this way.  It feels... shameful.

I was in a Beth Moore Bible study recently when she made the statement "You cannot shame someone out of sin".  It took me a bit to really grasp that.  She pointed out that when we (and boy do we as women, churches and especially church women, do this) try to pull someone out of sinful behavior by calling them out and telling them how ashamed they should be.  It only inevitably pulls them back into it.  You see, without a desire to change we are just drug back under with feeling like we simply are so shameful and damaged that we don't fit anywhere else but in our sin and shame.  I have at times sat in that shame and let it eat me from the inside out.  It has been the mainstay diet of many personal demons.  As I let the words of this song roll over my soul this morning I was reminded of the other choice.  Change.  You see the lesson I learned today is that the same truth applies to me.  I cannot shame myself out of sinful behavior.  Infact... the more I allow myself to feel and dwell on my feelings of shame the more likely I am to (you guessed it) be drug back under with feelings like I simply am so shameful and damaged that I don't fit anywhere else but in my sin and shame.  That's right, the self proclaimed preacher of the gospel of "thou are not the exception" must humbly admit... I'm not the exception.  There is still good news for me however.  I am not dead, so therefore I can still change.  I am not the first person who has failed.  Some people say that the only way to truly fail is to never try.  For me today, I will add to that.  The only way to truly fail is to never change.

I Blame Your Parents

I am a survivor.  I have never had cancer but I am a survivor.  I was not just teased as a child I was tormented.  My parents did everything that they knew how to do and then some until I just stopped telling them.  I was  a precocious child (understatement of the century) and the only girl of 5 children.  My life at home was amazing.  Spoiled was my first language and being the baby of the family was the runway to my success.  Unfortunately, my story didn't end at home.  I was enrolled in a private school at an early age.  This can be a good thing but for me it was not.  I was in a small class and I was the only overweight child most of that time.  I remember well the birthday party of a friend that began my downward spiral. I made a choice that I still struggle with today.  I decided that my value and worth had more to do with  my weight than with my talents, abilities or God given gifts.  When I eventually left the private school world (ok, I demanded my parents take me out or I would purposely fail all my classes) and entered the public school system I discovered a whole new set of challenges. I was called a slut, whore and opportunist.  I went from being the unwanted to the ultimate temptress. The families in our neighborhood did not want their girls spending time with me and certainly not their sons. Some of them took it upon themselves to call my parents to tell them my reputation and ask them to help keep their child away from me.

Tonight I heard and watched the story of a girl in her 16th year who decided to end her own life.  I saw, in her words, many of my own thoughts and experiences.  I know what it is like to beg people to love you. I know what it is like to be the one not invited... not just once, but over and over again.  I  largely blame the parents.  I know that so many people will disagree with me but hear my  heart first.  I have children.  There are kids they like and kids they don't. Sometimes they even have very good reasons why they feel that way.   My children have been taught that they are to either, invite everyone or invite a few and if by chance others find out about it... it is now an open invitation.  There will be no "uninvited" guests.  My children know why.  Parents (if they chose to listen) know their children better than anyone.  If you see that your child is making decisions based on outward appearance or social status... you know it.  You do.  If you allow it, you should be ashamed of yourself.  I know that we all want our child to be at the top of the heap but never lose sight of the ultimate goal.  We want our children to be better than we are.  We want them to love and give more than we have.  Our dreams for them should not be centered around the kind of success that fades and fades quickly. By applauding them for the the things that really matter we are teaching them to applaud others for the same.

I struggle everyday with the echos of the words people have spoken.  After I grew older it expanded from my weight to other things about me that people didn't like or find attractive.  Time and date do not matter when it comes to the heart.  Think about what you say.  Think about what you allow others to say in your presence.  Be better.  Do better.  Be the first line of defense and teach your children how to speak to other people and how to speak about other people.  Teach them not only respect but what really deserves respect.